As England gear up for the Ashes, Katya Witney ranks every Test they've played in Australia since they last won, from least to most devastating.
England are about to embark on another daunting Ashes tour of Australia, with hopes high that this time might be different. Away Ashes series are rites of passage for England fans, staying up late mid-week to watch the first session before nervously waking up to check the score.
Those nerves have been well founded for the last 12 years. Since their triumph in 2010/11, England’s trips down under have produced a grim litany of collapses and humiliations, punctuated by a couple of draws that felt more like reprieves than results. With another series looming, it feels only right to steel ourselves by revisiting the pain.
A few ground rules before we get into it. This is entirely subjective, and is based on my own loose set of rules. Points have been awarded for the series’ context, pre-match hope, and margin of defeat. Bonus points have been awarded for needle, fallout, and existential despair. The devastation spectrum is less a straight line and more a circle, where abject humiliation can be just as gut-wrenching as numb acceptance of inferiority.
All 15 Tests have been ranked in ascending order.
15. Melbourne, 4th Test 2017/18
Match drawn
Unsurprisingly we start with one of the two Tests England haven’t managed to lose in the last 12 years. The Ashes were already gone by the start of the Boxing Day Test, and the normal air of getting the final two out the way so the post-mortem could begin had descended. Talk of a second consecutive whitewash down under faded when a road at the MCG saw Alastair Cook score a self-flagellating double hundred, before Steve Smith scored his third ton in as many Tests. The only bonus points were given for needle, with David Warner, at the height of his ‘bull’ days, tormenting debutant Tom Curran after being given a no-ball reprieve, before the big dogs James Anderson and Jonny Bairstow stepped in.
14. Sydney, 4th Test 2021/22
Match drawn
Sydney in the following series pips Melbourne 2017 for its finish. Anderson and Stuart Broad clung on for two agonising overs on the final evening to stave off a whitewash. It’s hard to say whether celebrating a draw which was as close to a loss as possible is more tragic than a thumping defeat. But, in this case, Sydney did offer some light relief on a truly dismal tour. Bairstow scored one of his most Bairstow centuries, roaring purple-faced at the SCG crowd. Mark Wood bowled quickly and whacked a couple of sixes. But Usman Khawaja’s twin tons and Scott Boland’s continued dismantling of England’s top order ensured the relief came with the appropriate dose of humiliation.
13. Adelaide, 2nd Test 2021/22
Australia won by 275 runs
The least devastating of England’s losses, simply because it was never competitive. There was never a sense that England could challenge Australia in 2021. Australia were in their pomp and beginning their march to becoming World Test Champions, while England were slumping to one of their lowest ebbs. Labuschagne and Warner piled in as any hopes of a pink-ball revival under lights vanished, and England slid through the motions. Root made runs, Dawid Malan scored 80, but there was no spark – this was Australia in their good boy phase. Ultimately it was a defeat that barely registered as pain, just an exhausted shrug.
12. Adelaide, 2nd Test 2017/18
Australia won by 120 runs
After a competitive start to an extent in Brisbane, Adelaide was a turning point in the series. There was still belief England could come back, especially in the first Ashes Test under lights which would supposedly play to their strengths. For a while, it did – Australia were 161-4 before Shaun Marsh brought that illusion to an end. After Australia capitulated largely of their own doing in the second innings, England collapsed again. There were fleeting moments of light, Anderson took his first five-for in Australia, and the tension simmering between the two sides added brief moments of spice.
11. Sydney, 5th Test 2017/18
Australia won by an innings and 123 runs
Few images spark as much bitterness among England fans as Australia celebrating in front of four raised fingers on the SCG outfield. It was almost merciful that the final collapse hastened the end of the game. Joe Root spent the final night of the series in hospital having become dehydrated in well over 40 degree heat, but returned to bat, well and truly handcuffed to his ship. While the fall-out from this series wasn’t as nuclear as the other two, the Test careers of four of England’s XI in that game didn’t extend beyond the following few months.
10. Perth, 3rd Test 2017/18
Australia won by an innings and 41 runs
Ashes lost, whitewash on, and the beginning of the end. England started by achieving the rare feat of exceeding 400 in their first innings. Malan and Bairstow both made hundreds, before Smith’s double ton buried them as Australia batted for two days. While there was little of the Ashes psychodrama on display, and the post-mortem was already being drafted. The margin of defeat after starting so brightly was a sharp punch to the gut.
9. Hobart, 5th Test 2021/22
Australia won by 146 runs
A classic of the genre. England were bowled out for under 200 twice, Travis Head bludgeoned a first innings hundred, before the piece de resistance of England losing all 10 second innings wickets for 56 runs. The on-field capitulation was matched by off-field problems. Covid restrictions had taken England to a uniquely dark place, then bowling coach Jon Lewis put Ollie Robinson’s fitness publicly on blast, and the series afters saw Root and Anderson being put to bed by Hobart police officers. Within months, Root’s captaincy was over and the Strauss Review was launched, continuing the tradition of Australia maulings causing existential crises in English cricket. Still, from this wreckage, Bazball was born, a silver lining of sorts.
8. Sydney, 5th Test 2013/14
Australia won by 281 runs
The first entry from the ultimate England annihilation, and we’re already in the top half of the list. There are similarities between this and the previous entry, albeit this one comes out on top as it sealed a whitewash. England lasted just 31.4 overs in the final innings, and four of their XI never played another Test for England. The only positive came in the shape of a young Ben Stokes, who took six wickets and was the sole point of resistance with the bat. While Stokes has gone on to define the last decade of English cricket, the scars of this series lingered for years, and are still not far from the surface.
7. Brisbane, 1st Test 2017/18
Australia won by 10 wickets
England were competitive for the first part of the series opener – which only made it hurt all the more. James Vince’s run-out remains one of the great “what if” moments, both for the series and his career. But, in this universe, England collapsed from being one down shortly before Tea on day one. Steve Smith ground them down and the match slipped away, leaving England wondering how they’d managed to lose by 10 wickets. Bonus points were awarded here for the bizarre Cameron Bancroft post-match press conference where he described the Jonny Bairstow head-butt saga in toe-curling detail.
6. Melbourne, 4th Test 2013/14
Australia won by 8 wickets
England should have won this one. They managed a first innings lead, with Kevin Pietersen playing a pointedly disciplined 44 off 153, and Australia’s fifth bowler, Shane Watson, hobbled off the field on day one. However, England had their first true dose of Nathan Lyon on home turf, and were bowled out for 179. Chris Rogers saw Australia home at a canter. The whitewash was incoming, and any last straws that England could salvage something positive from that tour were lost.
5. Melbourne, 3rd Test 2021/22
Australia won by an innings and 14 runs
From the highs of 2010 glory to the Boxing Day Test nightmare of 2021. England’s 68 all-out, Scott Boland’s debut six-for, and being torn apart inside three days all brought the decline of the previous decade into sharp focus. It was a near-perfect Ashes defeat, bringing collapses, chaos, humiliation at the hands of a new terroriser, and losing by an innings despite Australia scoring only 267. The only criteria it missed were open hostility, and dominance with the bat from Australia.
4. Brisbane, 1st Test 2021/22
Australia won by 9 wickets
Rory Burns’ leg stump. One ball which summarised a game, a series and many Ashes tours of Australia. It seems almost pointless to look beyond it – England were bowled out before tea on day one, and Jack Leach conceded 102 runs in 13 overs. There was also the saga of both Broad and Anderson missing out on selection for that game. Pre-series expectations were low, but this was a bloodbath. Head’s brutal century shattered any illusions that England would even be able to compete. The only criteria this match misses is on the needle front, but in reality that says more about England’s limpness than Australia.
3. Adelaide, 2nd Test 2013/14
Australia won by 218 runs
We’re into the top three, no prizes for guessing which series they all belong to. There was still hope that the opening loss was a blip. England had been world No.1 not long before, and surely Mitchell Johnson had struck gold once and wouldn’t again? Last time they were in Adelaide, Pietersen scored a double in one of England’s great Ashes victories. Cut to a second spell of terror from Johnson, and the first instance of the recurring Brad Haddin nightmare. By the end of the game, dressing room cracks were wide open and the runaway train was firmly out of range.
2. Perth, 3rd Test 2013/14
Australia won by 150 runs
Where to start. The Ashes were gone, and the dressing room was imploding. The win at the WACA sealed Australia’s redemption and England’s collapse. Graeme Swann retired mid-tour, Andy Flower’s reign effectively ended, and that era of English cricket was torn apart. A special mention to Ryan Harris bowling one of the great unplayable deliveries to remove Cook for a golden duck, and the futile resistance offered by Stokes’ maiden Test century. Perth was a full stop at the end of a cycle. It marks the last time England held the Urn in Australia, and their lowest point in modern Ashes history – a loss so total it became a shorthand for complete annihilation.
1. Brisbane, 1st Test 2013/14
Australia won by 381 runs
The ultimate devastation. England were pre-series favourites, Australia hadn’t won in their last nine Tests, including being beaten in the first Ashes series of that year. When Australia slumped to 132-6 on day one, all seemed on plan – until Mitchell Johnson had Jonathan Trott in his sights. The first ball, the glare, the moustache, it changed everything. Johnson ripped through England, Trott flew home, and Michael Clarke’s snarled “get ready for a broken f****** arm” echoed through the series. It was the shock, and sheer brutality, that made this a defining defeat. England were broken, and they haven’t put themselves back together in Australia since.
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