Ben Gardner continues his ranking of Bazball's history, by ordering each of the 12 England defeats (and one draw) under Brendon McCullum and Ben Stokes' tenure.
Last week, I ranked England’s 24 Test wins under Brendon McCullum, and because we’re neutral and unbiased, it’s only right to give the defeats a bit of airtime too. There’s only half as many, though given the general disposition of their fans, you wouldn’t always know it. Perhaps that’s with good reason too. This is a team that dazzles and frustrates with little in between, and sometimes does both at the same time.
So how do we define infuriation? There’s usually, though not always, an element of self-infliction. Then there’s the stuff you can’t control, but which you should never have been at the mercy of in the first place. There are wrong answers, but probably no right one. Here’s my go at ranking them, anyway. And we’ll chuck the one draw in here as well, because we know how much Ben Stokes hates a draw.
New Zealand, Hamilton, 2024
New Zealand won by 423 runs
England’s most recent Test defeat is one of their heaviest ever, and yet also the easiest to swallow under the current stewardship. The series was already won and, unlike England’s other dead rubber defeat, New Zealand were due one, Matt Henry and Will O’Rourke unlucky not to have skittled the tourists in one of the first two games.
India, Visakhapatnam, 2024
India won by 106 runs
There’s some low-level infuriation because, had England won, they would have been within touching distance of a Test series win in India. But really, it was England’s win at Hyderabad that was the aberration, and they didn’t do loads wrong here. Were it not for Yashasvi Jaiswal’s double hundred, they would have kept India’s first innings in check. And were it not for Jasprit Bumrah’s reverse-swinging, stump-smashing six-for, the lead might have been manageable. And they made a decent fist of a big chase.
India, Dharamsala, 2024
India won by an innings and 64 runs
A classic of the ‘series lost, on the plane’ genre. England were bad, but no worse than previous England sides would have been in the same situation.
Pakistan, Rawalpindi, 2024
Pakistan won by nine wickets
The first of a trio in this list that aren’t so much infuriating as they are funny. Pakistan, melted at Multan in the first Test, rolled out a makeshift oven to turn Rawalpindi into a ragging turner. England couldn’t handle the spin test, but, again, the same has been true of basically every previous England side.
South Africa, Lord’s, 2022
South Africa won by an innings and 12 runs
It was hard to begrudge Dean Elgar’s South Africa that one puncture of the golden first Bazball summer. He rocked up and smirked, “I’d like to see them do it to our bowlers” out of the side of his mouth, and, basically, he was right. A result necessary to underline that what had happened in those first four Tests was hard and wasn’t normal. It was never going to stay that good forever.
Pakistan, Multan, 2024
Pakistan won by 152 runs
This beats Rawalpindi for Pakistan’s sheer chutzpah in choosing to simply play on the same road again, reasoning that it had to go at some point. On the seventh day it turned. England were toast.
India, Rajkot, 2024
India won by 434 runs
A massive defeat in the end, and yet perhaps England’s biggest missed opportunity of the tour. The second day ended with them 207-2, Ben Duckett batting like a dream, and Joe Root looking pretty handy too. Then he reverse-scooped Bumrah - why would you reverse-scoop Bumrah? - and everything went to s***.
India, Ranchi, 2024
India won by five wickets
Not infuriating, exactly, but perhaps the most heartbreaking in that India series, because of how close England came. Root rediscovered himself and defied a fascinating, capricious pitch to craft one of his finest hundreds. England claimed a lead – though not as big a one as they should have when India were 177-7 – and then, from 110-3, came the final, fatal collapse, Ben Foakes resisting in forlorn, stultifying fashion, and then Tom Hartley not able to repeat his Hyderabad heroics.
Sri Lanka, The Oval, 2024
Sri Lanka won by eight wickets
We’re into the properly hubristic here, best exemplified by the selection of Josh Hull, an unnecessary and unsuccessful punt. That attitude bled onto the field, and while being skittled for 156 in the second innings lost the game, it was the 7-64 lost against an old ball on the second morning that really cost them.
Australia, Old Trafford, 2023
Match drawn
It’s tempting to put this top, but it would be too cute. While it was obviously awful checking Accuweather, then Apple Weather, then BBC Weather, then the Met Office, then Accuweather, rain pouring all the while, and despite plenty of irritation in Marnus Labuschagne’s century when he seemed to be allowed to choose who was allowed to bowl at him and with what, it only confirmed what was already suspected: England had chucked it away in the first two Tests.
Australia, Edgbaston, 2023
Australia won by two wickets
To the first of those then, which will forever be remembered for Ben Stokes’ day one declaration, with England eight down and Root a hundred and plenty not out. Still, it injected time into the game. Time Australia made best use of, Pat Cummins and Nathan Lyon holding their nerve as England lost theirs.
New Zealand, Wellington, 2023
New Zealand won by one run
In some ways, this is a New Zealand story. Only three sides in Test history had won following on. Only one had won by a solitary run. The Black Caps did both. Still, they had plenty of help, from that follow-on decision, taken with more than a hint of an extra day on the golf course in mind, and a smidge from the umpire too. It should never have mattered, but that unpunished ballooning bouncer to James Anderson that would have levelled the scores still rankles.
Australia, Lord’s, 2023
Australia won by 43 runs
And so, to the worst of all. England hooking again and again to the fielders in the deep with Nathan Lyon off injured and the game at their mercy. Ollie Pope’s dislocated shoulder. Jonny Bairstow dozing off and wandering out before Alex Carey felt the full force of the Egg and Bacon Brigade. Ben Stokes unable to save the day this time. The Ashes series billed as being the best since the best almost done without the hosts landing a blow, and through much of their own doing.
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